Yes, you read that right. I, at one point in my life, was in an abusive relationship. In fact, I was in multiple abusive relationships. You may have even been in one or dealt with an abusive person and not even know it. This is how I realized I was in and escaped my abusive relationship and the 7 signs you should run.
My past abusive relationships have played a part in me staying abstinent now.
My First Abusive Relationship
15, naïve, and a pushover. That’s who I was when I dated my first abusive boyfriend. I was nice and naïve. A people pleaser and a pushover. Shy with self-esteem issues. I was the perfect target. He was tall, strong, and manipulative. We met when I was a freshman in high school. He seemed friendly, nice, and charming. But you know what they say, looks can be deceiving.
We met in math class, 1st period. I wasn’t very observant, but I later found out that he always stared at me in that class. Then, my teacher moved me to a row right beside him. That’s where it all started. We started off as friends, I’d give him hugs occasionally but we were always just friends. It never went past that. We never kissed or held hands because I wasn’t attracted to him that way.
From friends to best friends, we grew closer. However, he was always crossing the line. He was always asking me to date him. I constantly said no, but he could never take no for an answer. He asked me out weekly, like clockwork for a year. After a year and after I changed schools (unrelated) I said yes.
Now, you may think after he has put in all this hard work he would treat me right. NOPE! The next day, he cheated on me with my best friend. I broke up with him that same day. He kept trying to convince me to stay, and that it was a mistake. I believed and forgave him. BIG Mistake!
From then on, he had to work hard to gain my trust. After 5 months of dating, he earned it. I thought I loved him and at the time he was “my everything”. After he earned my trust, he became very controlling. He would make me send pictures every day of my outfit to see if he approved of it. Each of my outfits had to get his approval. The shorts couldn’t be too short. My shirt couldn’t be too tight. Basically, I had to wear what he deemed appropriate.
He told me what to do, that I should flunk my classes. For months, I was basically his personal puppet. He manipulated me by saying he would kill himself if I ever stopped dating him. One time, he even called me and told me he would kill himself that night. I broke out in tears. I tried calling him, he wouldn’t answer. He just manipulated me to the highest degree.
He would call me all types of names. The manipulation and verbal abuse had gotten so bad that my family had to step in. My family made me break up with him and cease all contact. When I did finally break up with him after 6 months, he threatened me. He told me that if I break up with him, he would rape me and I wouldn’t be able to run.
That was the breaking point for me. That’s when I realized I was in an abusive relationship and needed to escape ASAP. After my family tried to tell me I was being abused, I finally realized it after 7 months. When I actually realized it, I walked away. He kept harassing me and tried to blackmail me.
When I blocked him, he tried everything he could to get me back. He said “I changed”, “I’m sorry”, “You’re ugly as fuck anyway”. Chilee, he tried to get to me and after a year or two he said he went to anger management and changed.
I, of course, didn’t believe him but at the time I was a people pleaser still. We became friends, but that’s a story for another time. I could write a book on the things he has done and said to me, but I’ll leave it there instead. It’s crazy to think a simple seat change was the introduction to this abusive relationship.
7 Abusive Relationship Signs
I really mean run. These things below are telltale signs.
- Controlling Behavior – He may want to control where you go, what time you can and can’t leave, or your finances.
- Jealousy – He gets jealous over everything. He thinks everyone is an enemy and may even think you are flirting with other men when you’re not.
- Makes you feel guilty – If he wants to do something that you don’t, he may make you feel guilty for wanting to say no.
- Isolation – He may try to block you from speaking to certain family members or friends. He may take your phone away or take your car keys away.
- Punishment – If you do show defiance against him, he may exhibit some controlling behavior and ignore you or even break up with you as punishment.
- Victim card – My former abusers would always pull the victim card. Someone was always out to get them, it was always someone else’s fault that they did something wrong.
- Verbal Abuse – He may insult or degrade you but try to play it off as a joke. He may insult your looks or intelligence but say you’re taking things too seriously.
Alright, my babies! If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, please leave and don’t come back. Even if he only hit your insulted you once, you’re in an abusive situation. I know escaping that is easier said than done, but how much are you willing to take? How long are you going to allow him to step all over you?
There’s only so much a woman can take and if you don’t stand up for yourself or care enough to, nobody will. Not only that, but he’ll eventually leave you after you have taken so much of his shit, he’ll leave. He’ll find someone prettier or younger and then you’re left looking and feeling like a fool. Taking his shit will not make him stay. I’ll say it again for the women in the back. ALLOWING HIM TO DISRESPECT & DISHONOUR YOU WILL NOT KEEP HIM FROM LEAVING.
After my second abusive relationship, I learned that. I was being abused, cheated on, made out to look crazy and he broke up with me by posting another woman on his Instagram. Then, he disrespected me even more by asking me to be his side chick. I had no self-worth, and he knew and used it to his advantage.
So, what I tell you is all from experience. I learned my lessons the hard way and I just want to save you the time and heartbreak.
Domestic Violence Help